Blogview with a Step Dad - Happy Father's Day!

Yogli and Hummingbird have the bonus of celebrating two fathers each year. Yogli's biological father died when Yogli was 3, my ex husband adopted Yogli short after that. Years after that, Hummingbird was born, which 2 years later, we were divorced. Both kids spend time with their dad from time to time.

I often fantasized about being married to a wonderful man that would accept my kids as his own. We hear it every day, about how kids and step parents don't get along. I must admit, I was a bit scared of finding love with the possibility of having to forfeit it if he didn't get along with my kids.

I remember it like it was yesterday, MonkeyMan meeting Yogli and Hummingbird for the first time. Hummingbird made it loud and clear of her rank in my life by saying "this is my mommy". Yes, those were her first words to MonkeyMan. Yogli seemed fine, I often caught him staring at us when he thought we weren't looking. Almost like saying "wow, is this for real?"

Look at them now!

So, Father's Day is today. MonkeyMan has no biological children of his own (keep going back and forth about whether or not we're gonna do it or not). I wonder about how he feels being in Yogli and Hummingbird's lives. My wondering lead to a blogview (blog + interview). Here's what he had to say:

Me: As we approach Father's Day, what is your definition of "father"? 

MM: Protector, provider, counselor, and the one who gives the good kick in the butt when you need it.

Me: Describe your feelings of the title "stepfather"? 

MM: I am fine with the title.

Me: Do you consider yourself a parent?  

MM: Absolutely, I couldn't imagine being any prouder or happier than being allowed to be part of this great family.

Me: Where do you draw your parenting insight/motivation from? 

MM: Get a lot from my parents, even though that is a little scary. Who knew they actually did know what they were doing as I as growing up. Maybe some from TV, who didn't want some of those TV parents from the 80s? And I am always seeking insight from inspirational and knowledgeable sources.  I have a lot to learn.

Me: What are the top 3 things you've learned since becoming a step dad to Yogli and Hummingbird? 

MM: 1.) Time is the most valuable thing I can give. 2.) That I will not always have the right answer for everything. 3.) That I wish I could have been part of their life sooner.

Me: Any frustrations? Are they directly linked to becoming their step dad? 

MM: No frustrations. The transition went a lot easier than I had anticipated. Both Hummingbird and Yogli were very welcoming and seemed genuinely happy that you were happy. I never felt at anytime they had reservations of me coming into their life.

Me: As they grow older, what would you like for Yogli and Hummingbird to learn from you? 

MM: Stay positive and have some fun on their journey through life. Blessings can come at the most unexpected of times, so be ready for them.

Me: Any advice for other step dads out there? 

MM: I really should be asking them for advice. The main thing is just be yourself, be sincere, give time, and let the relationship grow. 

I am truly blessed to have met my MonkeyMan and to have him present in Yogli and Hummingbird's lives. Happy Father's Day to all the awesome men who are present in a child's life. 

I coparent, do you?

A recent post, read it for yourself, by Jada Pinkett Smith got me to thinking about being a blended family. I usually tend to not consider the thoughts of some celebrities but Jada hit the nail on the head with this one. She and Will Smith have been married for 17 years and she's a fellow working mom. Her post intrigued me because I am part of a blended family. My ex husband and I both have remarried (I really would like to find a better word for "remarried", if you find one, let me know). He and his wife recently had a new baby, their second. My daughter, Hummingbird, is so excited to have a new sibling. 

Growing up, I never heard of the term "coparent" or "blended" family. Sure, I knew plenty of folks who remarried or who were even just shacking up. One or both of them had kids prior and probably even had some together. A lot of these relationships didn't appear to be healthy because usually the woman/wife did not have a high opinion of the her guy's ex. This would usually result in name calling, fighting, foolishness. 

My son's father and I never married, mostly shacked up. I never envisioned myself marrying him. That relationship ended when my son was two.  Yogli's biological dad died when Yogli turned three and soon after that I married my now ex husband. That was my first taste of a blended family. He didn't have any children and would now be a parent to Yogli. Previously, I heard him talk of his step-father, not in the most flattering words. Seems that no one I knew had a positive blended family relationship. Needless to say, that marriage ended. 

Once again single, I knew that meeting someone new would eventually mean interaction with my two kids. This could also possibly mean me eventually interacting with this man's kids, if he had any. Surprisingly, the guys I would meet didn't have any kids. This, too, could become an issue. When a man or woman who has no kids, meets a woman or man who has kids. This led me to begin to research on this blended family concept. My blended family research led me to something new, coparenting. I always wondered what it would be like once my ex husband and I remarried. Wondered what it would be like to have another woman in my kids lives. My journey from being divorced, single parent, remarried was a great one. Once divorced, I made sure to go through every single phase of grief. I wanted to make sure I was Mrs. Right instead of just looking for Mr. Right. I also made sure that I started living. Seems that I lost myself in that previous marriage. I started living not only for me but for my kids as well. 

                                          

So, coparenting...what is that? Wikipedia describes it as "a parenting situation where the parents are not in a marriage, cohabitation or romantic relationship with one another. In the United States the term coparenting is often used to describe the relationship between two separated or divorced parents attempting to parent their shared children". Check out this site for coparenting 101, coparenting 101. Shared parenting, huh? Sounds crazy, right? Well, not really, if ego isn't in the way. See, ex spouses can get along, if they remove pride. Pride says "there is no way I'm letting another woman be around my kids". While humility says "my kids get the opportunity to have even more people love them". After all, the bottom line is making sure the kids are alright. Now, I know what you're saying right now. "Tiffany has lost her mind! She has no clue what I've been through". Sure, it's hard when you think that your child loves another mother type figure. Wondering if it's even possible to love multiple people like that. True, maybe I don't but take a step back, think about the children. Of course, none of this can work if all parties involved aren't willing to put in the work. Can you coparent alone? Kinda sorta. Make sure that you always act in the best interest of the children. Easy, NO WAY!!! This is when you gotta dig deep, see the bigger picture. It is best for children to have both parents involved. 

This is a topic that can go on and on and on. Yep, I feel a coparenting series comin' on! Until then, tell me how you coparent or how you would like to coparent.